Long time since I last wrote. Much has happened in the garden. Much has happened in the world. And many things have happened in my life.
We have ten goldfish left in the pond -- a stable number for the last week, perhaps these are the ones with the skills to evade snakes and find the food they need. Fewer, but stronger, and I assume "happier" if goldfish are that aware... What parallel does this have to our human place in the pond we call "Earth?"
I am a year older, am I any wiser? Perhaps.
I am struggling with trying to provide the children with education that suits their abilities, interests and needs as they approach the time they will need to compete for their places in the world. I dislike that word and all it implies: compete. And yet, what is the alternative? To strive, to work, to overcome obstacles and stand tall, these are good things. To find a good occupation, one that supports and nurtures, creative and competent, this is a good thing. And to do these things, in this culture at this time, they must learn to compete: to stand and be compared to others, to be chosen, to be qualified... to know at least once that they are the "best" for the job.
And the struggle to help them prepare for this includes struggling with my own place in the world. What do I contribute? How do I energize or create, heal or support? Does the effort I make to educate these children [to be kind, to be honest, to be hard-working] have any benefit? Would they not learn these things from other adults if they weren't learning at home? In what way does the daily struggle to overcome issues of respect and procrastination benefit them -- it does not seem to benefit me much.
What is MY gift? What is MY future?
The moon is at its closest point to the earth, full and potent. She rises late in the evening, and illuminates the garden. The shrubs and trees outlined with the light, the shadows are more vivid than in the day. The red poppies are black and the white flowers aglow. The frogs in the ponds chirrup for a time, then fall silent. The air is still but a breeze comes up, and the night is filled with the song of the stars.
I dreamt the night before my birthday that I lay in the quiet circle of the back yard, bathed in moonlight and renewed by contact with Mother Earth. All was still, peaceful, and the power of the ages flowed through me without harm.
Is the message in the dream that I also deserve and need to refuel, to be nurtured by that which is greater than myself? Can I, by returning to the Earth this summer, by communing daily and intentionally with the garden's denizens, renew and refresh myself that I can continue to teach and nurture these precious children of ours full-time?
Big questions, little answers. Big consequences, or small, there are consequences. And I take responsibility for each decision, even when I would rather not, when I would rather others be responsible because as far as my life stretches, beyond myself, each decision counts.
And the moon above waxes and wanes, with our fortunes. The light that comes, now brilliant, now faint, now growing, now gone, bathes us all in potential as well as challenge.
Posted by kathleen at June 3, 2004 09:02 PM